I have been at work today for six hours so far today and still have awhile before I leave. This is when you surf the internet and find funny things. So I hope everyone gets a little giggle, snort, laugh, or something out of some of these funny signs (warning this post is on the long side):
Funny Hotel Signs
Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
*
The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
*
Please bathe inside the tub.
*
Do not go out except emergency.
*
At the end of a hotel legal disclaimer:
The management of this hotel can not be held.
*
From an elevator
DO NOT USE ELEVATOR WHILE CAUSING FIRE.
*
Sign in a hotel parking garage:
Please get a punch at window.
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please.
If you are not a person to do such thing
is please not to read notis.
*
On a hotel fire extinguisher:
Cease Fire.
Funny Signs on Products
On a box of fine tissues:
Skin will be touched softly and gently by
100% high quality pulp.
*
On a shampoo bottle:
Use repeatedly for severe damage.
*
On the packaging of a sir fry pan.
Do not use mental tools for prolonging
the life of the pan.
*
From the packaging of a brand of medicine.
Expiration date: 2 years
*
On another bottle of medicine.
Known to cure itching, colds, stomachs,
brains, and other diseases.
*
On a sports drink bottle:
Pocari Sweat Refreshment water
Funny restaurant Signs
Our great food will never leave you!
*
Please leave a pet outside.
*
It will take about 1 minute to fix a hot drink.
Please wail.
*
We serve people like you as good food!
*
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
*
Special today -- no ice cream.
*
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE
OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
*
“Colorful dining space surrounded by stained glasses."
*
Sign in a cafeteria
Please keep chair on position and keep table cleaned after dying.
Other Funny Signs
On a cash register:
Sorry. We can not change.
*
Outside a tailor shop:
Ladies have fits upstairs.
*
In an advertisement by a dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
*
In an airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
*
In a zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
*
Babysitting ad by college students:
"Please call us! We will provide you with any emergency."
*
Private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
*
Signs on trash cans in an amusement
park
PLEASE WASTE
*
Sign in a train station:
For restrooms, go back toward your behind.
*
A flush button in subway toilet:
You lady will push this button before leaving.
*
From the cover of a notebook
My heart is very flammable
when I see your beautiful eyes.
*
River highway sign:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
Funny Newspaper Headlines
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
*
Farmer bill dies in house
*
Iraqi head seeks arms
*
Eye Drops Off Shelf
*
Squad helps dog bite victim
*
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
*
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
*
Miners refuse to work after death
*
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
*
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
*
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
*
If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
*
Cold wave linked to temperatures
*
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
*
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
*
British Left Waffles on Falkan Islands
Funny Courtroom Mistakes
Based on Actual Courtroom Trial Transcripts of Lawyers asking witnesses questions
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
*
I show you exhibit 3 and ask you
if you recognize that picture.
That's me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
*
What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell.
And what is your marital status?
Fair.
*
So you were gone until you returned?
*
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
*
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
*
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
*
Were you alone or by yourself.
*
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
*
Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
*
Were you present in court this morning
when you were sworn in?
*
Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
*
The Judge: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
*
When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
*
And lastly, Gary, all your responses must
be oral O.K.?
What school do you go to?
Oral.
How old are you?
Oral.
*
What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
She is my daughter.
Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
*
Could you see him from where you were standing?
I could see his head.
And where was his head?
Just above his shoulders.
Funny English Mistakes
Funny mistakes are from new English students. If you have ever tried to learn a new language, you know how hard it can be! We will all make many, many mistakes, and some will sound a little funny to native speakers. That's OK- It's part of learning. And a good sense of humor can help us have a good attitude and enjoy ourselves while we learn. So, enjoy these actual funny mistakes from students I have taught.
A Funny Love Song
Compiled from lyrics of love songs translated
into English by ESL students.
From morning’s glaring sun to the smelly afternoon,
You are always inside my lonely brain.
I hope we meet in an accident very soon.
My heart will not stop hemorrhaging for you.
The night you squeezed me I visited heaven.
Your love flies me swiftly into a mountain.
You make my heart sour.
One day, you will startle yourself and say “oh no!
Why did I walk the opposite direction of him?
Like the fishes need the ocean beach, I need you.
When you kiss me, you make my blood evaporate.
Your lovely, unwrinkly skin requests my attention
You will always be my lemon moon ray lover.
Politics and Government
The second Word War had much propaganda
*
At that time, one of the most important weapons was the rocket lawn chair.
*
The President got off the plane and gave a big kiss to the first ladder.
*
The police were attacked by a large group
of angry mops.
*
The American President is very powerful. For one thing, he chooses the supreme coat judges.
Science
A bottom dweller is a fish that mostly dwells on bottoms.
*
Do you know what “elevation” means?
Yes. It means we all came from Dinosaur eggs.
*
Isaac Newton was the first discoverer of gravy.
*
The ocean is usually located near the coast.
*
The unihorn is an animal that has always been extinct
*
We sent some robots to mars but they
refused to come back
*
There are many arguments how was the universe made. Some astrolomers belive in the big band theory.
*
There are still plenty of fossil fools.
*
The article said there are only maybe five thousand beers left in B.C. This is a very serious problem… I think maybe we should only let very small people go beer hunting every year.
Funny Mistakes about
The Fur Trade
All over Europe people wanted more animal hair.
*
The Hudson Bay company was found in the
Canada woods.
*
Fur hunters catch furry animals, wash them,
and dry them, and then sell them for women
who wear them at fancy parties.
*
Many people in England wore beavers
and other big rodents like the French.
*
Most beavers and foxes died and went to Europe.
*
The new pioneer people ate most of the barffalo.
*
Fortunately, now most people have fake fur.
A Day of Tutoring
Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?
*
I am sorry I am later.
It took me ten minutes to ignite my car.
*
Am I making P correctly?
*
Did you have an accident?
When I was skiing, a tree got in front of me
and hit me hard!
*
You called at the perfect time.
I just walked into a door.
*
Please don't shoot so many people in my country.
What?
Please don't shoot people in my country very often.
Could you say it really slowly?
Police don't shoot people in my country very often.
*
I'm sorry, but I couldn't write my essay.
My roommate had a toothache this morning.
So you couldn't write your essay?
Yes! She was swelling and decaying badly!
*
What did you do this weekend?
We went to a Karaoke bar.
Did you sing?
Yes. I was shy but I strongly did it.
What did you sing?
"You are the wind beneath my wigs."
Funny Weather Mistakes
This morning, I was walking outside,
when suddenly a big shower fell on me!
*
Today the waiter is cold and wet and a little windy.
*
When a volcan explodes, millions
of tons of larva can bury a city.
*
I was very tired last night
so my friend let me crash into his apartment.
*
We have a big problem at my house.
What is it?
Our toilet is out of odor. I'm a little upset.
Parents
My mother is an inferior decorator.
*
My father is a highly rank
government official.
*
My mother wants me to marry a good, successful man,
but I want to marry my boyfriend.
*
My father has to wear expensive
business dresses to work everyday.
*
I always ate lunch at school.
But every day my mother made me suffer.
*
My father is one of my favorite parents.
Health
Last night, when I ate dinner I started joking.
My friend hit my back very hard
until I stopped.
I was so lucky he was there!
*
My shoes smell bad.
I think they have athletes food in them.
*
My leg has been breaking for three weeks.
*
I probably should have gone to the doctor
one ear ago.
How To Sky Dive in the Ocean
I know how to sky dive in the ocean.
*
You have to put big bottles on your back
so you can have good breath.
*
You should have big rubber feet.
*
At this time, put the glass over your face
so your eyes don’t get salted.
*
Then you can jump on the ocean.
*
Try not to get water in your snozzle.
*
This is how you can drown in water without being dangerous.
School
Unfortunately, the school board was forced to
cut fifteen percent off all teachers.
*
Every day I study hardly.
*
If I study really hard, I will graduate in 2004 years.
*
I am studied hard in science class.
Food
Do you like this food?
I made it from scratching!
*
I never liked mushrooms,
but now they are starting to grow in me.
*
My friends visited last night and
we served a nice pig dinner.
*
Are you hungry? I have dirty toes.
You have what?
Dirty toes. In my back pack.
Um, can you spell that?
Maybe D-O-R-I-T-O-S. Do you
Want to try one?
No thanks. I'm not so hungry
right now.
*
Next, Put the cabbages in salt water.
Then sit in the sink until the morning.
*
Don't forget to insult the soup.
Weddings
I really believe our wedding will last until we die.
*
What does it mean:
"I would like to propose to some toast?"
*
If he is really the best man,
why isn't she marrying him instead?
*
The groom was wearing
A very nice croissant.
*
He was so nervous, he suddenly started
to paint in front of everybody!
*
He lifted the veal off her face
and gave her a big kiss.
*
I think she is really glad she got marinated.
Other Funny Mistakes
He had such a worm heart.
*
The deafened ant entered the court room.
*
He will spend at least fifty years going to a prison
*
Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii.
*
Do you believe in Cod?
*
Our church has smaller members every week.
*
How far should I tip the driver?
If you read all the way through it I hope you got some good laughs and had a fun time reading like I did. It sure helped lift my mood.
No comments:
Post a Comment